Shattered Soul
by E.J-imagination
Summary: AU: Emily is falling apart! Doyle came back into her life, JJ had to leave. And now she has to fear about the lives of everyone close to her. Her past collides with her present and she loses the control she desperately needs. So she finds something to compensate this loss... Will there be someone to safe her from this downward spiral? TRIGGER WARNING: Eating Disorder.


**A/N**

**Hey, (I have not forgotten Digging Deeper! I am right now [well as soon as this story is uploaded] writing at a new chapter.)**

**So this was a prompt by **hotch. and .prentiss** (thank you so much :) and thanks also for your patience... Just having a hard time right now)**

**'Emily develops an eating disorder and Hotch is there to help her' (well, not word by word but it sums it up over all)**

**So, trigger warning: Eating Disorder! I do not want anyone to relapse... I do know how tough this is.**

**(Song used inside: Beautiful by Christina Aguilera) **

**Disclaim: I do not own Criminal Minds (this fact is sad somehow ;) ) and I do not own the song.**

**Now everything I wanted you to know is said :)**

1st Chapter: Shattered Soul

No! No! That is simply not possible!  
Doyle can't... cannot have traced me down. I cut all the wires to my past... I packed all my bags. And I packed them neatly!

I throw my purse into the closest corner while I head towards my bedroom, where my safe is hidden.  
Frantically I type in the number which separates me from all the secrets I collected since I joined Interpol.

And there they are...

If Doyle really is in town, than I put everyone around me in danger!

As if it is not enough that I lost JJ...  
I can't let my past destroy so many lives... _My_ past is just not allowed to collide with _their_ present! I need to protect them.  
I screwed up and so I have to sort out the problems occurring due to my negligence all those years ago.

If Ian even managed to escape the North Koreans then nothing is safe anymore.

_Nothing!_

**And I am the reason why.**

He will threaten the people meaning the world to me, for which I would walk through hell... Who are like a family to me.

_No... _Who _are_ my family...

_Rossi... _with his Italian humor... He always faces forward and even, when we can't see light in the darkness, he is the one to lit a candle.

_Garcia..._ perky and colorful. She paints my world when there are thousand shades of black and gray wherever I look. She knows how to cheer me up when I am laying on the ground with little hope left.

_Reid..._ He is like a baby brother I always imagined. Super smart what makes him so lovely all the time. His logic can defeat almost all the demons and bad news we get. I care for him because he seems so fragile yet I know he is mature on the inside.

_Derek_... wants to protect us all. He would walk over broken glass if necessary. I always had his back, just as he had mine. Sometimes he seems to be our older brother... a little over protective but he wants our best, after all.

_JJ_... we are like sisters. I trust her blind. She helped me during so many episodes of self doubts and bad judgment. We were so so close...

And yet I had to let you go. I blame myself for this. I miss you in a way no words can describe.

_Aaron..._ He is like the father most of us never had. Caring and warm behind the façade of the always distant and cold team leader.

And all of their lives are at risk. _I_ put them in danger.  
I would not survive if I'd ever lose them, not after all those years which made us stick together.

**_CM_CM_CM_CM_CM_**

I turn on my play list to distract my mind from Doyle.

A song that seems to be chosen right for the situation starts to play and I wonder if this is fate or just a dark sense of humor.

_Don't look at me  
_

Yes, right. Better turn around and leave me alone. After all I made all the wrong decisions and broke those rules.  
Don't look at the one person that does not deserve it!

_Every day is so wonderful  
Then suddenly it's hard to breathe._

I feel like I have no air left! Like someone is standing next to me and is sucking it away.

My lungs burn and my ribcage aches, because the pressure has simply no way to leave my body.

_Now and then I get insecure  
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed._

It was _me_ who lost all the control!

_I am beautiful no matter what they say._  
_Words can't bring me down._  
_I am beautiful in every single way._  
_Yes, words can't bring me down... Oh no._  
_So don't you bring me down today._

I just can't believe that this used to be my favorit song! It seems so ridiculous.

Now I know what a fool I really am...

_To all your friends you're delirious,_  
_So consumed in all your doom._  
_Trying hard to fill the emptiness._

The only thing left to fill it is the numbness, the pain, the guilt.

Washing over me; thorugh my body, through my veins and into my brain.

And then I realize that all I want is to disappear.

_The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone.  
is that the way it is?_

Maybe I will find the right matching parts again.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

No one will notice my doubts. I swear it solemnly.

_You are beautiful no matter what they say_  
_Words can't bring you down...oh no_  
_You are beautiful in every single way_  
_Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no_  
_So don't you bring me down today..._

Beautiful is definitely something different than what I am.

All I make are mistakes.  
All I do is let things get out of control.  
All I do is putting my family as a target to a most wanted terrorist.  
All I do is failing...

… and that should be called _beautiful_?!

I am everything else, but not pretty...

How could I ever have believed those words?

_No matter what we do  
(no matter what we do)  
No matter what we say  
(no matter what we say)  
We're the song inside the tune  
Full of beautiful mistakes_

And everywhere we go  
(and everywhere we go)  
The sun will always shine  
(the sun will always, always shine)  
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side

Whatever this other side may be...

Hopefully a better place...

_We are beautiful no matter what they say_  
_Yes, words won't bring us down, no, no_  
_We are beautiful in every single way_  
_Yes, words can't bring us down, oh, no_  
_So don't you bring me down today_

_Oh, yeah, don't you bring me down today, yeah, ooh_  
_Don't you bring me down ooh... today_

When this song finishes another one starts. Halo.

But I don't care to listen.  
All I do is getting up and entering my bathroom where a full-body-mirror is placed.

I undress, cloth after cloth, until all I wear is my bra and my slip.

Fat! All I see is fat!

Nothing beautiful. How did I ever dare to believe that anything at my body was _beautiful.  
_Disgusting and abominable.  
Repulsive... and just not me.

This person... whoever it is... is not me!

I do not recognize her, but she is not the one I remember.

The view does not match what my brain thinks is right.

.

_Beautiful! Pah! Irony... a very dark sense of humor!_

**A/N**

**So please, please tell me what you think! **

**Good/ Bad?**

**TBC**


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